Everyone Leaves
by BoneLotus
Summary: Dean's having a hard time denying his emotions and it doesn't look good. He's going to need a miracle to get through this and hopefully end up whole again. Destiel. There will be smut in later chapters if my Muse allows it.
1. Chapter 1

**All mistakes are my own (but I'd love for you to point them out.)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor the super-sexy guys therein; I just dream about them.**

**AN: This is my first fanfic that doesn't have a OC and is more than pure smut (yeah, sorry about that. Give me time and I will give you smut. _Really_ smutty-smut.) It's also the first thing I've posted on here. My Muse has been on strike for a couple of years now and I'm finally slowly getting her back. So, sorry if this sucks.**

**Warning: This chapter is super angst-y. The next one isn't. At this point, this chapter isn't needed to understand the later stuff so feel free to skip it, but that might change so keep a look out.**

Everyone leaves, it's been the truth since day one and Dean knows it. One way or another, whether it's their choice or not, everyone leaves. Mom, Dad, Sammy. Sure, sometimes they come back, but Dean knows it's not for forever. Sammy's left and come back more times than he wants to remember (but of course the number is ingrained in his skull) and even though he loves his brother more than anything, more than life, more than himself (which is obvious, Dean hates himself), hell, even more than his Baby, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter how hard Dean tries to hold on to people, to the only things in his world that matter even the slightest bit to him, they leave. Everyone leaves. Which is why he's always so distant. Doesn't hurt as much if you don't get attached. But, then, Dean's a Winchester, he's cursed, in more ways than one.

Dean can't help but get attached to people, as hard as he tries not to. He puts up on his armor, wears his mask, puts up his wall (well, actually, it's more like walls, one not being near enough to feel even relatively safe.) He does his macho 'no chick-flick moments' act that he's perfected over the years but it doesn't work. Somehow someone always seems to worm there way in, past the walls, through the armor and, Goddamnit, he's attached again.

Well, he would damn God if he could, but the old fuckers gone. Elvis has left the building, and Dean can't help but take it personally, another person's left him. The only person who's love is supposed to be unconditional. Fuck that, fuck God and all his self-righteous angels (well, maybe not Cas) the only unconditional love he's even known is his for Sammy. And Sammy doesn't feel it back. Not that Sam doesn't love him, Deans pretty sure that he does (he can never be completely sure about anything, especially these days) but Sam's love isn't unconditional.

He's the one who's left the most, and even though he always comes back, and no matter how much Sammy says otherwise, Dean knows he's gonna leave again. Even if they go out together Thelma-and-Louise style, die in a blaze of what some people might mistake for glory, Sam's still gonna leave. Dean's seen Sam's heaven and he knows that he isn't in it.

Sam's heaven is other people's thanksgivings, hell, Sam's heaven is leaving Dean. And Sam can spout all the shit he wants about family not meaning the same thing to him as it does to Dean, but Dean's his family, damnit. Dean's his big brother, practically his mom and dad too; after all, Dean did raise the kid.

So Sam doesn't feel the same way about family 'cause he never knew their mother,' cause their dad's a dead-beat who'd rather fight a nameless, faceless evil than fight for his sons. And Dean understands that, he misses his mom more than John ever did. John dealt with Mary's death the patented Winchester way, shove it down and pretend it doesn't exist.

Dean didn't get that luxury. He was busy raising Sam so he couldn't become so obsessed with hunting that he didn't have to deal with the stuff that really scared him, the things that have nothing to do with the monsters and demons and evil things outside, and everything to do with the ones within. So he gets Sammy on the Mom issue. He especially understands Sam's problem with their dad (when he thinks back, mindlessly obeying his fathers orders was the way he tried to hold on to John. And that worked out so well) but why can't Sam see that_ Dean_ is his family?

They might not have a mom, they might not have a dad, but they had each other, or at least that's what Dean thought until the first time Sam ran away. And when Sam came back, Dean forgave and got close enough to forgetting for it to hurt just as badly the next time Sam left. In fact, it wasn't until Sam left for Stanford and they spent those four years apart that it really dawned on Dean that Sam had Dean, but he didn't have Sam.

**Please, R&R, if only to let me know that someone has actually read this. You will be rewarded with popsicles in the shape of your favorite character. Or Misha Collins. Misha Collins is awesome.**


	2. Chapter 2

**All mistakes are my own (but I wouldn't mind if you pointed them out)**

**Disclaimer: I still do not own Supernatural. Stupid crossroads demon didn't keep up her end of the deal. Hopefully this means I still have my soul. Lucifer's sexy, but Hell is hot and I don't like the heat.**

The morning after Dean stays up all night, thinking about this, Dean has whisky for breakfast. He's trying his hardest to shove it back down but it isn't working very well. In fact, lately it's been getting harder and harder to repress these things, to ignore them; and while Dean logically knows that this is probably for the best (at least as far as his mental health is concerned) he really, really doesn't like it. And it's even worse that the things he can't repress anymore are the things he least wants to think about. First and foremost, CAS. Dean long ago came to terms with the fact that he loves Cas, but it's what kind of love it is that keeps sneaking up from the back of his mind and getting right to the front at the worst times. During a fight is bad enough but it's even worse when he's in the shower and the absolute worst is in his dreams. He can't control his dreams. And he supposes that his dreams about having a future with Cas, having a house and a cat and maybe even kids are better than his nightmares of Hell that wake him up screaming.

It would actually be better if his dreams about Cas were sex dreams, as strange as that sounds. To Dean, sex has absolutely nothing to do with love. It's like punching a guy in the face; it's a release, nothing more. But dreaming of a living with Cas, _being _with Cas, standing behind Cas, making an apple pie together with what looks suspiciously like a wedding ring on both Cas' and his hand, that's love and Dean knows it. All that Dean has ever really wanted was a family. People and a place to call his own. Having a home for his baby instead of his baby being his home. And this terrifies Dean to no end, because there's just a tiny bit of him that thinks that it just might be true, that maybe, just maybe, it could happen.

And that's why when Sam wakes up at 8, Dean is already drunk off his ass. "Again," he asks his brother "really?" To which Dean replies with a drunken mumbling slur that sounds like it may contain the word "Bitch." Sam gets out of bed and shakes his head, both at his brother and to rid himself of the last remains of sleep before opening his laptop and looking for a new hunt, not knowing why he's doing it. Dean would be less than useless on a hunt and if Sam left him, he'd more than likely die of alcohol poisoning.

A little while later Sam hears Dean talking again, it goes on for a while and he only catches the last word, 'Cas.' Cas appears with the fluttering sound of his wings. He only manages to get out, "I'm her D-"before Dean cuts him off by passing out and crumpling to the floor. Sam shakes his head again and says "Hey Cas" as he walks past the angel to try to pick up his brother. And even though he's ridiculously large (as Dean would say) and extremely strong, he can't manage to drag his dead-weight brother onto the bed. He grunts out, straining "Cas, a little help here." And without a word Cas lifts Dean up as if he's no heavier than a bottle of soda, holding him like you would hold a baby and lays Dean down on the bed. Sam tells him that Dean has to lay on his side so he doesn't drown in his own vomit. Cas looks at him strangely but doesn't question, just turns Dean over to his side and then stands there, looking lost. After a few minutes of a very awkward silence Sam asks "So, he was praying to you?" Cas does his confused look and says "Or course." as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Oh, I thought he was just talking about you." Cas cocks his head even more to the side and asks cautiously "Dean…talks about me?" Sam responds absent mindedly "Yeah, but mostly just in his sleep" then his eyes widen because he was definitely not supposed to say that. He hasn't even brought it up with Dean, knowing that Dean would lie and then they'd fight and frankly, Sams tired of fighting with his brother, especially since he knows that Dean will end up storming out of the motel, going to the closest bar and drinking until last call, to drunk to drive so he sleeps in the Impala. And an awkward sleeping position added to a hangover makes for a super-pissed-off Dean.

Well, fuck it, it's out there now and he might as well talk to Cas about it, maybe together they can try and figure out what the hell's going on with Dean. "His sleep…" Cas says thoughtfully. "His dreams..." and even though he's not supposed to, and he knows that Dean doesn't approve, he can't help himself. He touches two fingers to Dean's forehead and slips into his dream.

**Please R&R if only to let me know that someone has read this. You will be rewarded with a life-sized stuffed animal of your favorite character. Or just one of Misha Collins. Misha Collins is awesome.**


	3. Chapter 3

**All mistakes are my own (please point them out.)**

**Disclaimer: Try as I might, Eric Kripke still refuses to sell me the rights to Supernatural, something about not wanting to turn the show into gay porn.**

**AN: A huge thank you t**o My2BrownEyes, my first reviewer. ** I woke up at 3 this morning and started writing this in my head. Now it's 5 and I've written (well, typed) it down. I'm either some kind or literary virtuoso, or I'm being **_**way **_**too complacent about writing this. Or maybe I'm just lazy as fuck.**

Dean's lying in a field on the hood of the Impala, staring up at the star-filled night sky. And even though Cas entered his dream invisibly and silently, Dean says, never taking his eyes off the sky, "Hey Cas." Cas stiffens but stays as he was, silent and invisible. It's possible Dean isn't talking to him. Dean does dream of Cas, after all. Maybe he's calling out to Dream Cas.

Dean waits for a moment and tells him, "I know you're here Cas, even when I can't see you, I can always feel you." Cas turns visible. "You feel me?" "Yeah, right here." and Dean points to where his sternum ends. Cas says, thinking out loud, "That's where your soul is." Dean feels a rush of heat to his face and a twinge in his chest but tries to play it cool. "Really, hu?" he says and it's not a question and this time, even Cas knows that.

After a few minutes of a not-too-awkward silence, Dean asks Cas, "Hey, come watch the sky with me. I bet it looks different from down here." And this time it is a question, or more like a request. Cas lies stiffly next to Dean.

"Dean, heaven isn't actually located in the sky." And Dean smiles, "Yeah, I kinda figured, but you do watch _over_ me."

They both lay there for a moment that is filled with a barely awkward silence as Cas slowly relaxes, or at least his muscles do. Before Dean asks,

"Why are you here Cas?" Cas thinks for a moment of how to respond.

"You prayed for me, Dean."

"Yeah, I know. What I meant was, why are you in my dream?

Cas answers as truthfully as he can without implicating Sam. "I was worried. And curious. You rarely drink that much alcohol this early in the day. I believe you wait until the night to use it to get to sleep."

"Yeah, well, couldn't sleep last night."

"Why didn't you drink it then?"

"Honestly, Cas, it didn't even occur to me. I had too much to think about."

Cas waits for Dean to elaborate but he doesn't, so Cas asks him, "What were you thinking about?"

"If I answered that, then I'd be thinking about it even more than I already am. And the whisky was to knock me out, so I couldn't think of anything. And when I wake up, I'm gonna have a killer hangover, which will keep me distracted a little bit longer."

"Then I feel I should warn you, Dean, that when I leave your dream, I'm going to remove the alcohol from your system."

Suddenly, Dean's desperate, he grabs Cas' arm, his eyes wide and begs him "Please don't do that. I just want to stop thinking, even if just for a little while."

"When I remove the alcohol from your system, I will give you a long, dreamless sleep. Will that suffice?" Dean sighs, relieved and lies back down on the hood. "Yes, thanks Cas." "You are welcome, Dean. Anytime."

**Please R&R. I got, like, two hours of sleep last night (damn you, compelling twitter RP!) so I can't think of anything to give you if you review other than my eternal gratitude.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A****ll mistakes are my own (but I'd love for you to point them out.)**

**Disclaimer: **Disclaimer: I own many things, unfortunately, Supernatural is not one of them.

**AN: This is my first fanfic that doesn't have an OC and is more than pure**** smut. (Yeah, sorry about that. Give me time and I will give you smut.** _Really_ **smutty-smut.) It's also the first thing I've posted on here. My Muse has been on strike for a couple of years now and I'm finally slowly getting her back. So, sorry if this sucks.**

I repeat: Yadda yadda yaddah

When Dean wakes up it's only 8:30 he grumbles to himself about needing to explain to Cas the difference between human's and angel's interpretation of the word 'long' until he realizes that it's 8:30 the _next _day and he makes a mental note to thank his helpful little angel.

And, shit, there it is again. He doesn't know how long he's been referring to Cas as 'his'. Maybe it's been a long time and he's only now realizing it now but he doubts it. He's pretty damn sure it started around the same time that all these, unbidden, unwanted and, fuck it all, undeniable thoughts and dreams started.

It started innocent enough (Dean knows this is a cliché but he's talking to himself, so who's gonna begrudge him some literary lapses?) Dean was driving his baby down a long, amazingly boring stretch of highway from Texas to Tennessee (Dean loves trees as much as the next guy, so long as the next guy's a lumberjack); it's a two day drive (well, day and a half if Dean's driving) and they're 5 hours into it. Sam has spent the last two hours switching between sleep with snores so loud that even with the radio turned up all the way he still couldn't hear his Zep (maybe Crowley was right and Sam is a moose. Do mooses hibernate? And is mooses a word? Anyway…) and waking up and bitching at Dean about the music being too loud.

Needless to say, Dean's pissed and bored out of his skull so he let's his mind drift to happier memories. The first thing he thinks of is Cas chowing down on White Castle likes it's going out of style or maybe out of business but that memory leads to images of Cas eating raw beef (even Dean was put off burgers for a while) and Sammy's face covered in demon blood.

He makes sure the next memory is entirely happy before he lets himself revisit it. It's the time he brought Cas to the whorehouse, the terrified look in his eyes as "Chastity" (Dean still chuckles quietly at the name) led him to some room in the back, only to come out screaming minutes later.

Dean's been thrown out of a lot of places, mostly bars where he started fights but that was the most fun he'd ever had running from a bouncer. Having a good laugh for the first time in years. And then he thinks of all the fun he's had with Cas, gently mocking the guy's entire lack of pop culture references and virginity, purposely try to get Cas to make his head-tilty-I'm-confused look which Dean admits is completely adorable but insist that it's only cute in the way Sam's sad puppy eyes are (and Cas's sad puppy eyes give even Sam's a run for their money.) He's still thinking about Cas when, speak of the angel, the guy appears in the back seat with his usual gruff "Hello Dean." to which Dean responds with his usual, jump-so-high-he-nearly-hits-his-head-on-the-roof and accompanying "What the fuck Cas, how many times to I have to explain the human nervous system to you?"

Cas gives Dean the look that absolutely does not make his heart flutter. "Dean, I am well versed in all human anatomy." Dean sighs "I mean the shock-makes-people-jump part." Cas looks slightly embarrassed. He might even be blushing but it's difficult to tell with all that scruff. "Oh, yes. My apologies." Dean chuckles "Don't sweat it man, just remember to give a warning next time." Cas nods his head even though they both know he'll forget.

"So what's up Cas? Gotta job for us? Hopefully somewhere near so I can get off this god-forsaken highway." "My father has not forsaken this-"Dean cuts him off, "Human expression, Cas." "Oh" Cas nods his head gravely and then seems to get lost in thought. After a while Dean feels compelled to remind the angel that that he's around people who find silences awkward. "Cas?" Cas looks at him, lost, "is there any reason you're gracing us with your presence?" Cas gives a tiny smile at what he thinks is a compliment about his grace before the meaning of the question hits him and now he's definitely blushing and rubbing the back of his neck in a very human gesture of embarrassment. The angel treads carefully, "Not…particularly. I just felt like," he air quotes, "hanging out." Dean breaks out in a big grin that somewhat diminishes Cas' blush. "That's cool. You're getting the hang of air quotes."

Cas inquires quietly "You don't mind spending time with me when I'm not helping out on a hunt?" "Not that you aren't a huge help in a hunt," Cas glows a little at the compliment, which gives Dean a swelling feeling in his chest that he will deny to his dying day, "but you don't need a reason to spend time with me…us." he quickly corrects. "It's nice that the world doesn't have to be ending for you to want to hang out."

Dean and Cas smiled at each other for a moment before Sam makes sure that he gets his "cock-blocker of the day" award. He breaks out in a huge snore that ends with a snort so loud he wakes himself up. Out of pure habit he bitches at Dean "Turn the music do…Cas?"

Cas looks at Sam very seriously "Do you have a chest cold Sam?" Dean laughs "I told you that you snore Sammy. You may not believe me but you gotta believe Cas. Angels don't lie." Sam gives Dean a "What the fuck, dude?" look. "Angels have been lying to us from the moment we met them." Dean gets defensive "Not Cas. Every other angel may be a dick with wings, Cas is cool."

Both men look at Dean in shock. Cas is the first to break the silence. He quietly asks "I'm…cool?" Dean looks slightly uncomfortable. "In your own, nerd-angel-holy-tax-accountant way, yeah, you're pretty damn awesome." Cas looks like he's literally puffing his chest out with pride while Sam continues to look at Dean with a slack-jawed faced before he manages to raise his jaw from the floor and asks Cas, "Why are you here Cas? Need some help or-"Dean cuts him off "He just felt like hanging out with us." Sam looks back at Cas "Seriously?" Cas nods his head solemnly but the effect is somewhat ruined by the fact that his chest actually is puffed out. Dean thinks about making a 'pride is a sin, but not my favorite one' joke but he doubts that Cas would appreciate it.

Since that day a little more than two weeks ago Cas has been spending a lot more time with the Winchesters which is why Dean really should have expected a gruff "Good morning, Dean." But sometimes even hunters senses can get dulled for a moment, leading to Dean almost jumping out of his skin again before returning a sleepy "Morning, Cas." He look for his friend and doesn't find him sitting on the couch like he usually would be, but instead he's sitting stiff backed against the headboard on the other half of his queen bed.

Although I got no sleep tonight I'm not tired. Nonetheless, I can't think of something cute to give my reviews except this: think of Misha Collins' hipbones (which _aren't _cute but _are _the uber-sex-ness.)

Speaking of which, did I use too many parentheses in this chapter? I love me some tangents but they aren't usually conductive to a good (meaning: readable) story.


	5. Chapter 5

**All mistakes are my own (but I'd love for you to point them out.)**

Disclaimer: I have picketed, I have written angry letters, I have egged the CW's headquarters (My sincerest apologies to Ian Somerhalder, I may not like your show but I have the upmost respect for your gorgeous-ness) and they still refuse to sell/give me the rights to Supernatural and its pretty boys.

**AN: This is my first fanfic that doesn't have an OC and is more than pure**** smut. (Yeah, sorry about that. Give me time and I will give you smut.** _Really_ **smutty-smut.) It's also the first thing I've posted on here. My Muse has been on strike for a couple of years now and I'm finally slowly getting her back. So, sorry if this sucks.**

As Sam would say: Blah Blah Blah!

Despite being completely shocked (again) Dean is slow to respond mainly because, if he keeps up this usual act with Cas, he would lecture the angel about personal space and Cas would apologize and move back which he really doesn't want. He finally takes a deep breath and decides to play it cool.

He laughs casually, "Dude, you didn't watch me the whole time I was asleep did you?" "No." the angel replies and Dean feels weird, 'because he really would have liked to have Cas watch him while he was asleep. It would have been a nice reminder of his mom; that an angel actually was watching over him. "Sam went to get breakfast and he told me to watch you. So I watched you." Dean knows he should explain that's not what Sam meant but he wants it to happen again. So he made his 'yay food!' face. "Did he say anything about pie?" "He said something about you being 'pissed'" air quotes again "when you woke up and found out there wasn't pie and that hopefully that would make you upset enough to talk about what's really been upsetting you." He cursed Sam inwardly as he rolled his eyes and asked "Oh yeah, and did Samantha happen to mention what makes him think I'm upset?" "He didn't have to. I already know. I think you're upset too." His brain screamed its usual reaction to people (read: Sam) seeing through his shell and trying to get him to talk about his feelings. 'Shit! Cover blown! Run! Talk about his girly hair! Say something to piss him off so he gives me his "Talk to me and you die" bitch face' none of which would work on Cas. He sighed inwardly in defeat "And what makes _you _think I'm upset?" "You're drinking even more than usual, your sleeping habits have gotten worse and now even with the alcohol you're still having a harder time sleeping. And you've been unusually kind and complimentary to me, which I appreciate, but is strange all the same." "What are you talking about kind? I'm always nice to you." Cas nodded his agreement "Usually, yes, you are affectionate to me" Deans face suddenly felt on fire "Which I now understand you show by mocking me. You're nice, but you've never been so" Cas stops to think of the right words "gentle and agreeable with me. I purposely sat close to you while you slept to gauge your reaction to my physical proximity and you did not say anything about 'personal space'" What the fuck were up with Cas and his air quotes lately? "to me." Dean gave up on 'cool' and tried to feign nonchalance. He shrugged "I didn't see the point, I've told you over and over again and it hasn't stopped you. I didn't feel like starting the morning with a lecture." Cas' eyes hardened "Not too long ago you said that I didn't lie to you. I would appreciate you returning the favor." His tone was icy and it sent an entirely non-pleasant shiver up his spine. He knew he was beat but tried not to show it. Instead of letting Cas drown in the ocean of shit that was currently occupying Dean's skull he just rubbed his face with his hand. "What do you want me to say, Cas?" "What I just told you. Tell me the truth." And Dean found that he couldn't lie to (who was now undeniably) his angel. His voiced was anguished and he couldn't look at Cas' face as he felt a very rare tear fall from his eye. "It's you Cas."

He felt his angel stiffen and suddenly the bed shifted and Dean heard the unmistakable sound of Cas departing and he couldn't hold his tears back now because he had finally lost everyone.

Please R&R, I'm not so sure I got the characters right in this chapter and I'd really like your opinion.

Reviews will get cupcakes decorated with their favorite character (or Misha Collins. Misha Collins is awesome.)


	6. Chapter 6

**All mistakes are my own (but I'd love for you to point them out.)**

Disclaimer: I'm all out of witty ways to say that I don't own Supernatural, so, there you go.

**AN: This is my first fanfic that doesn't have an OC and is more than pure**** smut. (Yeah, sorry about that. Give me time and I will give you smut.** _Really_ **smutty-smut.) It's also the first thing I've posted on here. My Muse has been on strike for a couple of years now and I'm finally slowly getting her back. So, sorry if this sucks.**

A.N. #2.: Sorry if my Sam sucks, I'm a Dean girl/Misha minion. Sam's **way **tomuscle-y for my taste.

**Unbeta'd-your get the gist by now.**

Reading chapter 1 is kinda necessary now, sorry. And this chapter is just as, if not more angsty.

Sam's shocked, to say the least. He comes back to the motel, breakfast in tow (even a pie, he couldn't help it) and finds his brother crouched on his bed with his arms holding his knees to his chest, face covered in quickly falling tears. Sam drops everything (literally) and moves to Dean, who flinched away from him.

"Dean, what the fuck happened man? What's wrong?" Dean knew this wasn't Sam's fault (damn his newfound mental clarity) but he had no one else to lash out at, having finally gotten the first self-flagellating phase. He glared at Sam with spiteful, hate filled eyes and hissed at his brother.

"Cas is gone. Probably for forever and it's because of you. Because you just _had_ to know what was wrong. It never occurs to you that this is the only way I know how to deal, does it? I suck at all that 'talk through your feelings' shit and you still made me talk. Even got Cas in on it." His laugh was mirthless and bordering on insane. "This is how I deal, Sam. It's the only way that's ever worked for me; I shove all the shit down and deny its existence. But you, you got Cas to ask me what was wrong." He buried his face in his knees and let out a choked sob. "I can't lie to Cas. Couldn't even if I wanted to. He reminded me that he didn't lie to me. I had to tell him and he didn't say a word, didn't let my try to explain, not that it would help," the laugh again, "can't explain what you don't understand. He just left." He didn't even try to hide his sob this time, what was the point? He could show all the weakness he wanted now that Cas had left. Left him.

"And now I'm completely alone. I'll always be alone. Everyone leaves me."

Sam managed to get a few words out "I'm still here, Dean." Dean laughed again and now it was completely insane.

"You? You've left me more than anyone else. You're gonna leave again; don't even try to deny it. There'll be another Stanford or another Ruby or another anything and you'll leave."

"Dean, I won't-"Dean shoved him so hard Sam fell off the bed. "Shut the fuck up Sammy and get the fuck away from me. You're gonna leave so just do it already so I don't have to waste anymore time waiting for it." Sam was about to speak but stopped as Dean aimed a gun at his head.

"I. Said. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me. I don't want to ever see you again. Just leave already. Leave me alone." When Sam just stood there speechless Dean cocked the gun and Sam finally ran. Dean curled up into an even tighter ball and sobbed, humming "Hey Jude" to himself, trying to think of absolutely nothing and failing miserably.

I told you it was angsty. As with the disclaimer, I can't think of anything witty to give you for reviewing so, cookies and milk for reviews and cookies and soy-milk for my lactose-intolerant reviewers.


	7. Chapter 7

**All mistakes are my own (but I'd love for you to point them out.)**

Disclaimer: Don't own, no matter how hard I try.

**AN: This is my first fanfic that doesn't have an OC and is more than pure**** smut. (Yeah, sorry about that. Give me time and I will give you smut.** _Really_ **smutty-smut.) It's also the first thing I've posted on here. My Muse has been on strike for a couple of years now and I'm finally slowly getting her back. So, sorry if this sucks.**

Sam called Castiel's number the second he was out of the room (and out of earshot, just in case) but the call went straight to voicemail. Sam left a message but he doubted that it could be understood with his rambling and voice, which was steadily rising along with his panic. He prayed, taking no chances, he got on his knees, folded his hands and bowed his head, the whole bit. "Cas, it's Sam." Nothing, not surprising. "It's about Dean." Still nothing. "He's really upset." Sam was getting pissed. "Cas he's curled up in a ball sobbing about everyone leaving him and when I tried to talk to him he aimed a gun at my head. Please, he really needs help."

Cas appeared with a rustle of his wings. His eyes were stone and his voice was ice. It held even less emotion than it had when he had casually threatened to throw Dean back into Hell.

"I know he's upset. He told me it was my fault so I left. I didn't want to upset him any longer." No human would be able to tell by looking at or hearing him but inside, Cas was breaking, literally. His grace was tearing itself apart in anguish. It may not be possible to die from a broken heart but falling from a shredded grace was not only possible, but seemed more and more likely as time passed. Only another angel could have seen it but they would never understand. Angels were made to love, yes, even made _of_ love. An angel's true form was love and forgiveness made manifest and it was the sheer honesty and weight of it that would burn people's eyes. Jimmy had been capable of more love and forgiveness than anyone who wasn't a vessel was. Dean and Sam, too, were capable of almost angelic amounts of love and forgiveness. That's what made their bodies capable of holding an angel without being burnt to a husk.

"Cas, I don't think that's what he meant by being upset about you. He was…I've never seen Dean so sad before, not even when he learned that he was the first seal. He still wasn't as broken then as he is now." Cas' grace slowed it's tearing but didn't stop.

"What do you mean?"

"He was crying about how you left him and he thought you were never coming back and he was completely alone. When I tried to tell him I was there, that's when he pointed the gun at me. I really think he needs you. He needs to talk to you." Cas shook his head obstinately.

"He doesn't need me; he doesn't need to talk to me." His icy façade broke and he whispered in anguish. "He doesn't want me."

Sam took Cas by the shoulders and forced the angel to look him in the eye.

"No one knows Dean better than us, not even Bobby. So trust me when I tell you that he needs to talk to you. He's not gonna want to; frankly I'll be surprised if he doesn't shoot you but he needs to talk to you. You need to talk to each other."

"Shoot me?" Cas asked with a hint of fear.

"Don't worry; I've got the colt and angel blade in the trunk. He won't be able to kill you." Cas nodded and was about to fly to Dean when Sam grabbed him by the shoulder again. "I should probably warn you, he's a little, well, he's acting super fucking insane right now so don't let that, you know, screw up whatever has to happen. Cas nodded again and flew to Dean afraid of what he was about to see.

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD!

I have the next chapter written but it's awful. Who knew Dean confessing his love for Cas would be so difficult for me to write? Reviewers will get to kiss their favorite character (not actor). Or Misha Collins. Misha Collins is awesome.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: If I owned Supernatural, there would be no doubt in anyone's mind whether Destiel was canon.

Unbeta'd.

Cas enters the room scared, not scared of Dean, but for Dean. The way Sam had spoken of his brother, he hated knowing that Dean hurt. He appeared with his usual sound of ruffling feathers. Cas looked for Dean, finally finding him curled in on himself, knees to his chest, arms around his legs, slowly rocking himself in time with his sobs. Cas' grace resumed its tearing with more fervor than ever before. He was the reason Dean was like this. The angel managed to choke out "Dea-" before Dean stopped him, shaking his head furiously and muttering, "You're not here. You're not him. He's gone and he's never coming back and my stupid fucking brain hates me and is just trying harder to hurt me. Good job, brain, way to go. Let me reward you with a bullet. At least I'm not alone in Heaven." Castiel puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, Dean tries to shrug it off but Cas won't let him. He fills the man with his grace and Dean finally looks up. He knows that soft, warm, loving feeling. He recognizes the way his soul always tries to tug him closer it Cas. Dean has never felt so relieved in his life. His sobs soften but he's still crying, just silently now. He looks at Cas, his face streaked by quickly falling tears as he accuses "You left. You promised me that you would never leave." Cas sits in front of Dean and sighs softly, sadly "I thought you wanted me to leave." Dean scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief, "Why the fuck would I want that?" Cas' voice gets softer "You told me that I was the reason that you were upset. I didn't want you to be upset." "Cas, you are the reason I'm upset," Dean quickly grabs Cas so he can't leave again. "But it's not you being around that upsets me, I mean, it doesn't mean you being around makes it better, if anything, it makes it worse but I feel better when you're around." Cas tells Dean, quietly but firm, "I don't understand what you mean Dean. Please explain." Dean's tears have stopped by now but his angel's request has him hanging his head again. "I can't really explain, Cas. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I've never been good at talking about this stuff. You wanna talk cars and classic rock, you come to me. This stuff is Sammy's specialty." Cas nods his head slowly, finally gaining a tiny bit more understanding from Dean's words. "You're talking about feelings; emotions." Dean stays silent but nods slowly. Cas continues, even more slowly "You feel emotions, towards me." Dean stays still this time. "You love Sam as your brother and you care about me as your friend." Dean nods. "Dean, I already know these things, why are they suddenly upsetting you?" Dean manages to get out the word "More." Cas stares at him for a moment. "More what Dean?" "I feel more than what you said." Cas let's out a tiny huff of irritation before he remembers the situation he's in. "I know you feel more than that. I've also seen you express anger, hatred, pain, joy, comf-" Dean shakes his head and cuts Cas off. "You. I feel more about you." Cas looks more confused than ever. "What do you feel for me, Dean?" Dean shakes his head and tears fall, only this time they're joined with a gently mocking laughter. "Cas you're such an idiot sometimes." Cas tenses when Dean moves toward him but relaxes the moment their lips touch. It's not passionate or hot but not chaste or sweet either, it's just a way for both of them to tell the other "I love you, I always will and I'll never leave."

It's possible this is the end of the story. I had a smutty chapter but my Dad screwed up and I lost it. Hopefully I'll get it back.


	9. Epilogue 1

**I own nothing, aside from a fevered imagination, a dirty mouth, a dirtier mind and the bitch-muse from Hell.**

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A few weeks later, Dean and Cas were lying together in bed, still sweaty from sex. They were both tired, sore and couldn't be happier. Dean had his arm wrapped around Cas, whose head was lying on Dean's chest with their legs tangled together. (Yes, Dean was snuggling. Before Cas he never knew that he liked it. Snuggling didn't work with the 'hump 'em and dump 'em' attitude his life had previously required. So, fine, okay, yes, Dean was snuggling but he got Cas to swear that he would never tell anyone Dean liked to snuggle, especially not Sam.)

Cas was nuzzling Dean's chest which had Dean almost purring and Dean was running his fingers through Cas' hair which had Cas _actually_ purring, when, without stopping his nuzzles, Cas suddenly said "Dean, I'm falling." Dean's head shot up off the pillow, jostling Cas' head off his chest. Dean's eyes were wide and fixed on Cas, his heartbeat frantic.

"What? No! You can't be falling! Is it my fault? Is it because of what we're doing here?" Cas sat up suddenly and glared at Dean.

"Of course it's not your fault! Why would you think that what we're-" Cas quickly deflated, "Do you not like what we're doing?" He asked, his voice incredibly soft. Dean was quick to respond; Cas' sadness was heart breaking.

"No, I love it. I love you! But..." his voice went soft, too, "what we're doing, isn't it a sin?" Cas' expression changed from sad to something Dean couldn't decipher and he pressed his face against Dean's neck, nuzzling again.

"Dean, love is never a sin." Cas felt Dean's rapid heartbeat start to slow.

"Cas, sex isn't love." Dean yelped as Cas bit his neck harder than Dean liked and pulled his face away from Dean's neck, looking at him sternly.

"It is when you do it right. This?" Cas touched Dean's chest, then his own, "Us? It's love. The sex we have is just one of the ways we express our love."

Dean's eyes were not watery, go-, dammit, they weren't. (Cas got very upset when Dean mentioned God in bed, which was understandable. Who wants to hear their father's name when they're having sex?)

"If it isn't a sin, then why are you falling?" Cas snorted like this was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard and lay his head on Dean's pillow, his expression telling Dean that, even with the laugh, what he was about to say was very important.

"I didn't mean I'm falling right now, I mean that I'm _going_ to fall; I'm_ choosing_ to fall." Dean just blinked at Cas; incredulous.

"Why would you do that? When you were losing your angel-y-ness before, you hated it. Now you want to be completely human? Why?" Cas pressed his cheek against Deans.

"For you. What kind of love would it be if we didn't grow old together?"

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**Reviewers will receive their very own…Brand! New! Car! No, jk, but reviews make me happy and happy writers write more. This story has at most one to two other epilogues, but if you're waiting for an update to Angel Blood, I'm not giving you an ultimatum or anything, but happy writers also write better smut and more of it. Lastly, but most certainly not leastly (I know it's not a real word but it's fun to say); Misha Collins is awesome.**


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